To feature not a single maiden

Personally, I am more of a science fiction character, drifting between the breathtaking vistas of binary systems and gigantic nebulas at the mercy of untold scientific wonders, so the proposition of a low fantasy tale of fighting my way through fabled serpents, powerful wizards and uncooperative wenches to save the princess became relatively attractive in a novel sort of aspect. This theme was introduced to me via Conan, the famous anti-hero who's a bit like Chuck Norris with a sword instead of an uzi.
I loaded up the demo expecting to be the pinnacle of killing intent in human form, cutting my way through swarms of flailing henchmen with naught to my name save the blade in my hand and the loincloth round my waist. Instead I encounter some uppity lady shoving an arrow in my face and telling me about how there's a plague killing everyone and that we've got to get the hell out of dodge, true to form good ol' Conan throws caution to the wind and submits highly sexist propositions every time Missy Arrowface stops for breath. Unsuccessful my advances are utterly rejected and I find myself on the leash of the woman who was but moments before threatening to kill me, doing her dirty work in cleaning out her boat of a seemingly motiveless group of enemies. These baddies tend to mill around in groups daydreaming until they don't have to run too far to attack me, and all look so remarkably similar that I have a sneaking suspicion I might have just discovered the final fate of the discarded clone troopers that failed their training on Kamino.
So I run around for a while pressing ever increasingly creative combinations of buttons to see what pretty acrobatic moves I can create as the deck beneath me is quickly painted red, unfortunately much of the blood I'm trying desperately not to slip up on is that of my own, and an angrier looking enemy with bigger muscles, a bigger helmet and a bigger sword finishes me off.
As I die the text 'The maidens question your virility.' appears on screen, this both angers and intrigues me at the same time. I am resentful of the fact that as my spirit ascends to Valhalla the best I can be offered in regards to final thoughts on the many achievements in my life is that my virility has been questioned, yet I am inversely intrigued as my virility is being questioned by a group of as yet unseen and unknown maidens whom are somehow watching my every move. My only venture that they are possibly some of sort of omnipotent maiden race that reside in the holy Valhalla and are displeased in the fact that while I have died gloriously in battle, it was on the deck of some bossy broad's yacht, so I can guess the best course of action at this point would be to commandeer the dinghy and set sail it in the direction of more exalted locations, such as a nice throne room or holy temple, so that I may preferably die there instead.
I reload the last checkpoint (otherwise known as the beginning of the game) and swiftly make good use of my aptitude in both hacking and slashing my way to each imprisoned sailor, who all upon salvation give their thanks and lovingly refer to me as 'barbarian' before running away.
Tragically, absolutely nothing about this game stands out, it is precisely what we have seen in every concoction of this genre since the days when Mario was a faceless plumber running up girders to save some chick in a dress. The game is so uninspiring that the Wikipedia page fails to clock even two and a half lines of text. The demo itself is rather short and leaves me with the sight of Conan being marched off into the jungle to find more of the overbearing dame's lackies, hardly the testosterone fueled bloodshed I signed up for. Yet if I can be thankful for anything it is in the fact that many of the more cinematic deaths have once again reminded me to look into acquiring the film 300, which if I am lead to believe correctly will provide me with exactly the manly experience I have been provoked into desiring.
I might spare a thought for Conan as I watch Leonidas lay waste to the Persian Empire's armies, Conan who at this moment is probably still traipsing through the jungle with the whiny spinster shouting after him to pick up her washing from the laundrette or whatever else she can find for him to do, otherwise I can't see myself ever going near Conan again for as long as I live. Unless it's to watch Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger play Conan the Barbarian on a rainy night, but I dearly hope that night does not come to pass.